It never really occurred to me until recent years that I unconsciously lead of life of suppression. Who suppressed me? No one other than myself. Thinking back over the course of my life, I had a wonderful childhood and great parents whom I love deeply. I've had great friends and a loving boyfriend of three and half years. But I think back to school, going all the way back to my elementary years l when I first struggled with math. I saw my friends excel, while I tripped over the problems again and again. Throughout my school career all the way through high school, I saw myself fail continuously with math. I would ask for help and stay after school, but I just never could understand. My teachers would explain the same concept over and over again. I could tell they were getting just as frustrated as I was. I failed multiple math classes throughout my pre-college career. I would go home and cry into my pillow, loathing myself. Feeling like a failure. I ended up giving up.
Only this negativity and sadness unconsciously carried over into my everyday life, and I was quick to give up on so much more other than math. Other school subjects, my art, my musical abilities, anything else I wish I could commit myself to. I was scared of that failure, so I did not commit. I had trust issues with myself. I continued to see those close to me succeed on whatever path they were on, while I remained skittish. I developed anxiety. I would sit in class and feel the pain in my stomach and would struggle to write. My hands would get tense, shake, and cramp. I would have anxiety attacks late at night when I was by myself. I kept this mainly to myself. I felt empty. Unfortunately at my lowest point, I was about to make one of the biggest decisions of my life: what college to attend. I could not handle it. I did not know what I wanted to do... something art related. I looked at one school in particular, but I could not afford it. I decided on the same school my boyfriend was going to which was also the school with the best public art program in the state. I felt safe with him. Up until that moment he was the only thing that made sense in my life. I felt guilty for choosing the same school. I think he was a little standoffish about it as well, but he was supportive of my decision. When it came to choosing my major I did not even pick anything art related. Why? I was not confident with my ability to create art. So I went through two different majors during my freshman year.
During college the heaviness of my anxiety started to lift. I was having fun and meeting new people. I went vegetarian and joined a few clubs. But I still doubted myself frequently. I procrastinated and did just the amount of required work to get by. I liked my major of communications, but I was not passionate about it. I surrounded myself with art students and was always envious of the classes they took, the mediums they were experimenting with, and the projects they were working on. I was also struggling to get this blog started, create new art, officially go vegan, and take my health more seriously. I also partied more than I would probably like, but I did anyways. Other than my relationships, life became dull again. That emptiness returned. I was unsure about a lot, did not have a path for my future, and was fed up with myself. I began to develop anxiety again. I would cry frequently and would feel sick.
That is when I started to reflect inward, and here I am now sharing my story. It took me years to get here, but I'm here. I am now stronger from my weaknesses. I am ready to move on. I am ready to alter those belittling attitudes and move forward and be the person I truly want to be. It will be hard process, but I have this understanding now and it will help me move forward in life. I have since changed my major to graphic design, something I am very content and excited about. It is a small change, but it is change. Just creating this post has been a step forward. No matter my struggles, I have always loved and had hope for myself. I look at myself as a interesting person who loves life, but it is time to create the life I have always longed to have. I am ready to make myself proud.
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